Last night was hard. These past weeks alone have been stressful and trying to be both a stay at home and a working mom at the same time have gotten the best of me. I started to feel I was not doing my best at home with my kids when they needed me. And I certainly haven't been given my all to my job either, as I now realized they want more of me too. I can't dedicate my ALL to one thing. After working early these past few days I was starting to feel defeated. I was lacking "me time" and I had become overwhelmed. I was tired. I was sleep-deprived. I wanted a clean home. I wanted to not have any chores. I wanted zero mom responsibilities.
I began screaming at my kids because their rooms were not clean. It was late already. There was a pile of laundry in my daughter's room that needed to be folded and put away. My downstairs was a mess as they left all the toys scattered from the living room to the dining room. My oldest was complaining he couldn't sleep because the youngest was throwing the biggest tantrum and crying his eyes out. He was screaming at the top of his lungs because he wanted to watch Moana and not go to bed yet. They were testing my limits for sure. I asked my husband for help because I was feeling weak and just over it which he quickly ignored. And that was my breaking point...
I just wanted to be alone. I started to think life without kids is better.
If you asked me 10 years ago if I wanted to be a mother I would instantly tell you yes. Last night I would scream out to you NO.
I had a coworker asked me how are all my kids doing and how do I handle life with all three. My reply was, "It gets crazy, but I'm surviving."
She is single and enjoying her youth by traveling and meeting new people as she goes. What possible struggles could she have going on at home.. none I thought. And a part of me envied her a little.
Because I thought life without kids is better.
So last night I walked away from it all and closed my door and locked myself in the bathroom. I cried it all out. Yes I let it all out. Alone. It all got to me and I didn't know how to handle it but to simply just cry.
So much went through my mind and I started thinking why life without kids is better.
The luxury of going where I please at any time without having children to worry about. The thought of waking up when I want to and go to bed early because there is no one I need to attend to. Being able to finish school without worrying about childcare and the ridiculous cost while I am gone all day, pursue my career full time, or simply travel like the rest of the people my age have. I missed my spontaneous date nights with my husband. I missed when we didn't argue or I didn't yell at him about absurd dumb things like why he didn't throw away the dirty diaper lying on the floor or whose turn it is to bathe the kids. I just wanted that laid-back quality time we once had alone.
Overall the FREEDOM.
So much went through my head. I was reminded that parenting is not black and white. That every mother with children at some point has felt like this at their most fragile state. I have realized having children is a choice, not something that inevitably happen to me without my consent.
I don't have all the answers. I am not perfect. My patience sometimes isn't the best as I wish it could be. And I often find myself crying like I did last night. As I am still learning everyday as I go. I am imperfect in my own ways with my own desires and disappointments.
And after being alone for some time I began to feel better. I wiped my tears and open the door. I went to my son's room and found my daughter sleeping in her brother's bed. Next to her on the other side of the room Luke was sleeping in his crib tucked in. He looked so peaceful and I immediately felt a gush of guilt through my body. How could I want a life without him. I heard a small whisper that said, "I Love you Mommy", it was my oldest Ryan who was still awake. I went on to hug him and told him how I was sorry for yelling at him earlier. It was just me and him awake and the house was quiet and that was exactly what I wanted all along... except it now felt empty.
That is the opposite of what I expected to feel. So I squeezed him tightly and hugged my son one more time as I kissed him goodnight.
And I was more certain than ever that my life with my children is so much better.
They give me a daily purpose everyday. Their warm smiles lighten up my day.
I have a place where I belong, a place I call home, tiny little humans that I created who love and need me, I have experienced the meaning of true love. I have found a new perspective on the small things in life that I took for granted once. In many ways children make you grow up and want more in life. I now know what matters and that is building my family.
It's a beautiful thing to have and definitely what many spend years trying to find.
So today I choose to look at all the positive and focus on all the happiness motherhood has brought me. It has changed my life for the better regardless of what I have sacrificed over the years.
life with my children is so much better.
Someday my kids won't need me anymore. There won't be a constant chatter in the background, there won't be little people calling out "mama" every five minutes, there won't be that undying never ending affection that comes along when they wake you up first thing in the morning. But I want to have their comfort and trust forever. I want to look back at their childhood and I want to remember the good moments. I don't want to regret anything I did or said. I am grateful for the good and the bad.
I have my highs and lows, imaging does not make me a bad mother.
I am human after all.
Last month I celebrated my 27th Birthday. Here it is, 27. Yikes! Now I am feeling old. To me 26 still felt good- even young maybe. But 27 is feeling much bigger. A feeling of maturity and so dang close to hitting the big 3-0. It's kinda scary actually.
So I took a small break from blogging as I had the best time relaxing & spending time with my dear parents, a few friends, and most importantly the kids and I had a lot of time with my husband. We even went on a few dates together - more than I could count (in just one month) and these date nights were much needed and refreshing.
Turning a year older
I been thinking and reflecting back on the past years- the highs and lows. Some lessons I've learned along the way to where I am today. I want to share 27 lessons, facts, favorite quotes, and real raw truths I've internalized and made my own:
- Hangovers suck when you're a mom- Just Kidding Guys! Never been drunk in my life! No seriously I am a light drinker. Give me a glass of sweet white wine or a pina colada and I'm good.
- Motherhood is a beautiful mess. It is chaotic, terrifying, and rewarding all together.
- Marriage is not easy. You have to actively fight for your marriage and never give up on each other. Real relationships aren't perfect, and perfect relationships aren't real. What many couples forget is you both have to equally want it, so never give up your love for one another.
- Find your passion, and stick with it. We will all have our own different paths. I am my own person. To me that is my family, watching my kids grow is what I am most passionate about being present in their daily lives.
- It's okay to be a homebody. I am a self confessed homebody. It's just who I am. I like to have a clean organized home that makes me feel relaxed. When everything is in place we tend to find our sanity. And there is no better place to be yourself than at home.
- No one prepares you to be a parent, you just learn as you go. I was 19 when I got pregnant and 20 when I had my first child. Didn't know what to expect but hey I've made it!
- Friendships don't last forever. Can't even count how many "friends" I don't talk to anymore. They say quality over quantity. This is quite true. Remember that!
- Treasure that one childhood friend. Although people grow apart I think its important to stay friends with at least one or two people from your childhood. These are the people that will keep you grounded and remind you where you came from. I am beyond lucky to have a best friend who I've known since Elementary and fortunate to know she will always be there with open arms when I need her the most.
- Give without expecting anything in return- or you will end up disappointed. Not everyone has your best interest in mind.
- The best support system I have found in life is and will always be my parents.
- Not everyone will like you, and that is okay. I think this is something I've struggled with since I was a teen because I have always looked for acceptance even from those who didn't deserve it.
- Life is not a competition. There's no such thing as being behind someone else, you can't compare your own life to someone elses.
- Speak your mind. Have a voice, express how you feel or people will walk all over you.
- Learning to say "no" and not feel guilty for it.
- Know your worth. You learn not to take other peoples crap. Once you know time is precious, you will realize some people are not worth your time. You will know it is perfectly fine to walk away from toxic people.
- Get out of your comfort zone. Go out there. Meet new people, don't be afraid to socialize with a new crowd of people. You will be surprised how much you can learn from them.
- You will always love your children deeply-but there will be times (many to be precise) that you will not like them, and that is completely fine.
- Shopping alone is the only getaway vacation I'll get. Yes every aisle at Target and Hobby Lobby is a dreamy paradise walk. Might be exaggerating a bit- but it's close enough to the truth.
- Losing the baby weight only gets harder as you get older. Our metabolism naturally slows down as we get older so finding time to exercise is needed. I have an almost 2 year old and yet I still cannot get back to my pre-baby weight. It's a daily battle to accept ones postpartum body after kids.
- Spending Fridays nights at home ordering take out & catching up on shows with your husband once the kids have finally gone to bed and calling that the highlight of your week. Yes this is parenting life at its finest!
- Unplug from all Social Media. Do it at least once a week or two. You will thank me later. We tend to focus on the outside world too much that we stop enjoying our present moment here right now. Sometimes it's good to enjoy that moment for ourselves without sharing it with the rest of the world.
- Learn to love what you have build. My husband and I became parents young. I feel we had to grow up much quicker than most people our age. I became a home owner at the age of 21, it is something I am proud of but also find myself six years later wanting more. So I say- learn to love your home. Learn to love what you have. You have a roof over your head, food to feed you and your kids, house bills to pay. You are doing the best that you can!
- "The older I get, the more I realize the value of privacy, of cultivating your circle and only letting certain people in. You can be open, honest, and real while still understanding not everyone deserves a seat at the table of your life."
- "Today is the oldest you've ever been, and the youngest you'll ever be again." -Eleanor Roosevelt
- "Learn to accept people for who they are. Learn to reject them for that same reason."
- Take time for yourself. Sometimes we tend to forget we can't take care of others unless we take time for ourselves.
- "Fill your life with adventures, not things, have stories to tell not stuff to show."- Love this quote because I feel our generation has the wrong outlook in life. There's many individuals who think material things matter most and my perspective in life is the absolute opposite. Making memories surrounded by your loves ones have a bigger worth.
Its already been TWO MONTHS since Luke was born.
Looking back it feels like it's been a long time yet I still remember it all. I been working on this post for a while now but life with three kids has been keeping me busy as I'm still learning and adjusting to our new life changes, motherhood can be challenging at times but I'm sure I will eventually get there. I know within the months it will all become a big blur so I want to document it all because knowing me I know the moment I look back and read it all again I am going to find myself all emotional and in tears
I will like to say to all the moms out there that each pregnancy, birth, and baby are different, what one experiences does not mean the other will. Birth is unpredictable, amazing, and pushes us to limits we never thought possible. Our journeys are all different, and over time I have learned to accept that. Which brings me to say I was scheduled for a repeat c-section for a third time around for May 29th. Although a c-section isn't at all what I had planned (or my first choice), it was the safest way to deliver again. I did asked my doctor if I was a possible candidate for a VBAC but sadly since all three kids are so close in age he was concerned it will put me at risk during labor if my uterus rupture in the process of delivering (so that was obviously a no go and a bit of disappointment on my end.)
I feel the need to say I always see and read these magical birth stories on tv and online (I do this every time, right before I deliver, which sometimes isn't any help) But you know the ones I am talking about , the ones where labor is quick and easy and the doctor hands the baby to mom and they instantly lock eyes for the first time. I then knew I was never going to get to experience that, my first experience was painful and traumatizing I was put on bed rest and induced three weeks early & after a long 24 hour labor I was rushed to an emergency c-section, second time around I had a scheduled date for a repeat cesarean (went a lot smoother since I had an idea of what to expect), and now I had found myself in the same spot with scheduling another delivery date. By then I had come to terms that I was never going to have a "normal" birth story.
But that's okay, I am brave. I am strong. I am no less than a woman for having a cesarean.
This is MY STORY and I have come to be proud of it because normal or not the end result is what I had prayed for- a healthy baby.
That is all I ever wanted.
So lets take it back
to the weekend.. right before Luke was born. My son's birthday was coming up so we decided not do a big birthday party and instead take him out to eat as a family with a few friends. That Saturday I was already feeling exhausted and tired and experiencing a few small contractions (I had already lost my mucus plug that morning). Thankfully we made it through the day and his day was a success. The next day, which was Sunday my husband had to go back to work so it was just the kids and I so I went to go visit my parents. Towards the afternoon around 4pm I started feeling some contractions not too painful-very short like bad period cramps, but this time I noticed the pain went down to my lower back. I definitely started to see a constant pattern getting closer and closer around 6pm. I went through the rest of the evening like this (I was afraid if I went to the hospital I would get send back)
So I decided to stick it out (crazy me I know) I was texting my husband and he was getting worried telling me WE NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL (he was already heading home from work) but I didn't listen instead I got my iPhone and downloaded an app to time my contractions.
In my mind I still thought "hmmm maybe these are just those Braxton Hicks" but the pain was just too real and a bit intense and nothing like I had ever felt throughout the pregnancy. It was semi close to the contractions I had experienced with my son when I was in early labor. I was feeling confused because although they were durable they were becoming more frequent, yet very short within 20-30 seconds long.
The night went on, they kept coming every 15-20 minutes yet still very short. I remember I had even skipped dinner because I had completely lost my appetite. By then the contractions were remaining the same about fifteen minutes apart. It was a Sunday and once the kids were put to bed my husband and I started watching Game of Thrones (yes we are addicted to that show) the pain was still there but it wasn't completely awful, they were only lasting less than 30 seconds and obviously I was able to watch the show, so you could say I was still in no "active labor" therefore I continued to stick it out all night.
But then it quickly changed, I became desperate in pain. As the contractions continued more frequently I realized this could be "it". I started to breathe in through the pain I was feeling. All emotions were flowing; anxious and nervous, I quickly then began to wash the baby's clothes & blankets that we would take to the hospital, I wanted to make sure we at least had his bag ready in case tonight was the "big day", as I waited for the load to be over I was walking around the house, cleaning, packing, laying on the floor, moving and rocking side to side soon after that I decided to shower (I thought maybe a hot shower will do my body good) and surprisingly I was right the contractions started to slow down and became further apart, by this time it was 3am everyone at home was sleeping except me.
I remember I laid in bed and I was tossing and turning as I could not find the right spot or a comfortable position where the contractions could feel less painful. Before I knew it an hour had passed and it was 4am, right after I must have found the perfect position to rest because I passed out in deep sleep for two hours until 6am I was woken up by a sharp intense pain and that's when I knew I was in labor and this was the real deal. So I woke my husband up and I told him my contractions aren't going away, they are actually getting stronger.
He looked at me and noticed I looked exhausted, I told him I only had two hours of sleep since the whole night I had been up with contractions. He told me, "I told you we should had gone to the hospital last night, why don't you listen... Well at least your water hasn't broken" and as a long intense contraction started coming I slowly moved to my side of the bed and then in that moment my WATER BROKE!
I was shocked, like is this really happening (what are the odds) it was Monday- Memorial Day- most importantly my son's 5th Birthday and that's the day of all days that my water breaks.
As I felt the gush of water coming down my legs I tried my best to get to the bathroom, it was a weird feeling like I felt the need to pee but the thing is it wouldn't stop coming. Water kept leaking down my legs and as I looked up my husband was standing in front of me in shock as he said,
WE ARE HAVING A BABY TODAY
and then I began to cry, like seriously why would I be crying? ( I blame it on those pregnancy hormones). Don't get me wrong I was happy we were going to have a baby but it was just not at all how I had picture it. I mean TODAY was my son's birthday, I was a hot mess, I was lacking sleep, I still wasn't fully ready. In my head I thought I still had a week left to do everything on my list. Like what about my mani & pedi, shopping for new sleepwear, and getting my hair done (yes all silly unimportant things to be worried about at that moment) but in that moment that is how I was feeling (I am just keeping it real with y'all) I told my husband how I was feeling, he laughed & reassured me all that stuff was not important, like who cares, today I get to meet this sweet baby of mine.
After that the contractions started coming fast and furious, and I sensed change. It was harder to breathe through it. It was so painful that I actually started crying. I started to lean on my bed for support. I couldn't even change my clothes yet alone even try to do my hair, and that is how you know its real! I somehow managed to hop in the shower which only lasted maybe 5 min, I couldn't take it. The pressure was building, I could no longer stand still or even sit comfortably.
My husband had to wake the kids and take them to the car, he called my parents (who I am sure where sleeping at that time) to tell them we were dropping the kids because I was already in labor. I remember how fast he was rushing on the freeway, good thing there was no traffic since it was a holiday ( thank god) I am sure I scared the kids in the car because I was screaming and crying I just wanted the contractions to stop.
When we got to the hospital I was wheeled into the ER, they quickly checked me in and admitted me right away. One of the nurses took us through the back way of the hospital and wheeled me to the Labor and Delivery floor. Once there the L&D nurses noticed I was in terrible pain because they rushed me in quickly to a room to get checked. They were so sweet and patient when asking me questions since I could hardly answer without stopping every time a contraction came in. By then the contractions were coming every two minutes so they checked to see how dilated I was. I was close to 4cm and 75% effaced, holly cow! I couldn't believe it, with my son I labored for 24 hrs and only got to 6cm. This was BIG to me!
I really felt like I could do it naturally by that point, but we already had a "plan" and it was the "safest" way to deliver our baby. They also tested me to confirm my water broke, soon after the test came back positive, they hooked me up to monitor the baby & got started with my IV and my doctor had been called and notified I was in labor. One of the on call doctors came by to tell me that my doctor was actually off that day, however he was gladly going to make the long drive to the hospital just to deliver my baby. I was so happy and grateful that even on his few and rare days off he was willing to come that far and early to deliver our baby, made me love him even more. The bad thing was while we waited for him to get there I was going to continue to wait and endure all the intense contractions ahead. As that happen we started to prep for the surgery, I was given this small cup of liquid to take, its quite disgusting but they told me it was antacid to reduce the risk of an upset stomach during the procedure.
When I saw my doctor walk into my room I was all around happy, FINALLY, like beyond happy, now I knew we were ready to get this going. He quickly went over everything and soon after we were heading to the OR. The nurses, anesthesiologist, and everyone in the room introduced themselves to me, they first started with my spinal block, (in which pain medication is injected directly into the sac surrounding your spinal cord,) I always hate this part of the procedure, although it is not too painful, getting in the right curled down position is the tricky part, especially when you are shaking cold and experiencing contractions at the same time yet you cannot move. Once that was done my doctor started cleaning my abdomen area & a tube catheter was then placed in my bladder (by that time I could hardly feel anything since my spinal anesthesia had already been doing its job, I was pain free)
I knew all the prepping was done when they opened the doors and my husband was welcomed in, by then he was by my side holding my hand as we were just minutes away from meeting our son...
He gave us his grand entrance by screaming
at the top of his lungs,
the loudest cries I've ever heard from a newborn
and just when my doctor
was going to let us see him for the first time..
he ended up peeing on him.
Everyone in the OR laughed and he quickly
said he would take it as a "good luck" sign LOL
It was truly amazing to know he was here, perfect and healthy.
we welcomed
our MEMORIAL DAY baby
Luke Matthew
on May 25, 2015
at 9:45am
weighing 7lbs 13.5oz
and 20 in long
When my husband brought Luke over to me I tilted my head over and did skin to skin by his sweet cheeks, I kissed him over and over. He was just perfect and a spitting image of his big brother Ryan.
The feeling when you finally get to hold your baby after a major surgery- like a cesarean is unexplained, There is nothing that can compare to the avalanche of emotions I felt when they put this wrinkly warm bundle on my chest for the very first time. It must have been the happiest moment and another day I will consider
one of the best days of my life
he was worth it, every bit of it.
I enjoyed recovering at the hospital, I feel I always do, those four days to bond with my newborn are so special to me. Right away he was inseparable from me, He latched on quickly the moment they placed him on my chest and ever since we been nursing, I am so grateful I listened to my mother when she said not to give up on breastfeeding, it's been such a special connection between us two.
I am not going to lie I was so scared and terrified about my recovery this third time around, the moment my nurse came into my room and removed the catheter and said "okay today is the day you will be getting up and slowly by tonight you should be walking", I was ready to cry and just could not picture myself moving from my bed, I actually did not want to move or even attempt to move my stomach muscles at all. But with all of their help I was able to face my fear, I remember telling my nurse and husband "wow this is better than I expected, I am NOT crying, I am actually up and walking.
" I expected the worse because I was nervous and scared, but gosh I was so happy it went a thousand times better than what I had imagined.
Eight weeks later I am starting to feel like my old self again. I feel stronger every day and find myself doing more than I did the day before.
So here's to all the mamas whose birth was a big blur; you can be sure the moment you first met your baby was the one that made you bloom. I have to say throughout my entire life and pregnancy I never knew what to expect when it came to motherhood. I knew that I would love my little growing baby, but I never knew just how much I was going to love him once he was here.
